Well, I am back from my retreat and I feel spiritually refreshed and I heard some things there that I needed to hear particularly during the last sermon. I was blessed indeed. My voice is still recovering. Anyway, I have been thinking. Or should I say, I have thought. In many cases and times of my life, I have pondered introspectivally and tried to figure more stuff out about myself. Now, am I a monk, like my new haircut suggests, who goes to mountains every weekend to meditate and unlock the mysteries of life and consciousness? No, but I do give myself the occasional delving into the mind moments. One thing I have figured out about myself specifically is the motivation behind the things I do, the words that I say, and the way that I act. The start of this may have occurred back in middle school when a girl said that I am just doing something for attention. Now, back then, I guess I did not really understand what that meant, but upon further thought, I realized that she was correct. I do things with the sole intention of receiving attention from others. This is not a conscious intention, but an inborn desire which influences what I do. For a long time in my life, I have been called annoying and I have been hurt many times and have wondered why people call me that and why I act in such a way which people would brand me to be annoying. Now, I think I have the answer. Simply speaking, my desire for attention made subconsciously has made my actions become very clingy, obnoxious, and unappealing to others. At least, that's my theory. Then you would imagine that because I have this knew information regarding what has been causing my socially unacceptable behavior, my problems with my behavior would have faded away right? Wrong. Just because I know the source of my problem does not mean my problem goes away. Fairly speaking, I have been filtering myself more than before through this knew knowledge and many people no longer brand me to be annoying anymore, but I know that my current behavior still resembles very much what it has been before. Basically, I have matured.
Well, that was one example of how my introspective thought proccess works. Here is another. In my recent years, a new activity has piqued my interest: arm-wrestling. Yes, arm-wrestling, a match between two people of strength, endurance, and technique. However, I have noticed that I am a little more interested in arm-wrestling than others. That brought up the question: why. Right now, my answer to that is that my desire for glory and victory incite me to search for opportunites to potentially win and gain the feeling of winning and the applause of others. In fact, that same desire seems to also motivate my recent endeavour for learning how to fight. Biblically speaking, this is wrong. The actions themselves are, in my opinion, not sinful, but my motivations seek my own glory and is an example of pride. So, I would like to say that I have stopped arm-wrestling for the sake of winning glory, but I still do occasionally and I still try to learn to fight, but not for glory, but instead, for practical purposes. No I am not getting into fights. I mean in the event of ever getting into a fight, I would be able to stop it or at least keep myself from becoming too damaged. Also, in a wild scenario, in the future, I could fall in love with a girl and I could find her as a damsel in distress in oppression of these punks about to attack her and I could swoop in and save the day and get married and have kids and live to be a ripe old age with a loving wife by my side all because I started learning how to fight...... Yeah, that's probably never going to happen, but one can dream.
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